You are driving within your lane; the speed limit is in check, eyes on the road and occasional glance in the mirrors – everything as it should be. But then comes a rampaging Dodge Ram out of nowhere from the opposite lane and slams right into your car… The crash is loud, but you survive and are thankful to get away quite safely with minor injuries.
But then, when you’re getting that finger wound bandaged, you suddenly recall the words, “…you’ll never be able to drive, ever…” by your friend, Bob. A sense of anger and disgust fills you. And you know that you are better than that and had no fault of yours in the accident involved but yet, Bob’s words at the moment seem to be correct in everyone’s eyes but not yours. At that moment, if you could, you’d want to prove Bob wrong – but alas your reality is against you. You know exactly going ahead that you have got a point to prove…
Now a driving incident is just an example but surely, you’ve experienced something similar: “…you’ll never be a physically fit person…” or “…you’ll never find someone…” or “…you’ll always struggle to program…” Now the person saying these words says it just once, but they keep ringing in your head for a long-long time. What otherwise would’ve been a normal case of procrastination; you spring to immediate action.
You want to prove that there was and is some merit in defending against that accusation. And you want to do it through actions. The effect of a “…you could work more on your math…” is not the same as a “…you’ll never do good in your math test…” In the latter case, the stinging effect continues for a long time and you just get back to work vigorously.
But why is this the case? The answer is simple – you’ve taken it personally. The accusation has messed with your ego. It makes you question your identity. And when it does, the motivation to fight against it comes out inherently. That seems to be the only way out of suffering.
But then comes the big question – should you be picking up fights every time you come across such a situation? Should you always prove a point? Well, the wise men of past and present have always advocated taking nothing personally; never letting the ego get in the way of your thoughts. But how many amongst us are actually capable of following up on these principles?
And even if we do, do we also follow the way of a Buddha, where we are in control of every activity that we intend to do, that which we do and how we do it? For most, the answer is no. And can it always be a bad thing to have a point to prove? Is fighting back always a bad idea? Hmm… for all practical purposes and in day-to-day life the answer lies somewhere in the middle.
The convincing way out of the situation is to combine the feeling of point-to-prove with your vision. What does that mean? Let’s take a couple of examples – You are a student. Your vision for the year is to get good grades – a benchmark that you’ve set. You want to get good grades – a benchmark that you’ve set. You want to be in good shape and muscle up a bit and maybe you want to learn to play the piano up to an intermediate level.
Now you are hit with a barrage of accusations “…you’ll never be good at math…”, “…you’ll never be able to dance…” and “…you can’t even drive a bicycle, forget driving a car…” If you choose to take each of them personally, you’ll find yourself a wretched piece of wreck. But if you take a closer look, only the ‘math accusation’ has an overlap over your vision, i.e., goals for the year. It really makes no sense to prove your dancing and driving skills only for the sake of satisfying your ego! But you can totally unleash your beast when it comes to the ‘math question.’
This controlled way of proving your point saves your energy for that is what really matters to you. It in fact accelerates you towards your goal. Another thing about Point-to-Prove scenarios is to actually let go of the resolve once the point is proved! There is really nothing more left to do once you’ve done what was needed. And if you don’t, it seeps within your behavioural patterns that turn bitter. Certainly not a place you want to be.
All in all, it’s a good idea to leverage a ‘point-to-prove’ mindset, as long as ‘the points’ lie within your vision. But the even better idea is to know when that point is proven and that all the points to prove come with a tangible deadline!
