Lying to yourself, a mental-roadblock

We get amused every time we find that a child is lying. Lying being not the greatest of characteristics of a human being, we are quick to blame the parents of the child. Which can, to a certain extent be true but the question that is even more significant is ‘Why does a child lie?’. Why even the child as an individual never taught to lie will eventually learn to lie?

Adults lie to manipulate, no surprises there. This is again not a piece of very good news for the formation of trust, the backbone of relations. The same question again, ‘Why?’ Well, the most plausible reason seems that humans feel the need to manipulate to get themselves in favourable situations. We generally tend to lie in the CVs while applying for a job. If we are greeted by an angry mob on the way back from casting our vote in an election, we would most likely lie that we voted in favour of them.

Moving further into the animal world, the prey animal fakes death or the chameleons change colours. This only further entices us to the question, is lying only a human characteristic? If we really connect the dots, the birth of lying can be linked best to homeostasis. Homeostasis is literally defined as ‘the state of steady internal, physical, and chemical conditions maintained by living systems.’ And what is the purpose of homeostasis? ‘to maintain the established internal environment without being overcome by external stimuli that exist to disrupt the balance.’ In simple words, to preserve what is available.

Now, in life, there is hardly anything black and white, except maybe the colour black and the colour white itself! But this seems a quite reasonable answer. We are always trying to preserve ourselves or manipulating to make our future safe. Let it be noted that this is no justification to lie around the block but just a cogent attempt to decode the question.

Moving on to the actual topic of discussion. Now that you possibly know why you lie to others and why others lie to you, do you acknowledge that you also lie to yourself? Oh, don’t you? Remember those new year resolutions yet? If you do, then it is not a surprising thing if you stopped working towards them. The worst part is, you also convinced yourself how it was not a good idea to continue. The ‘logical-lie’.

How you convinced yourself for the subject – ‘even though I like it, it’s just not for me!’? How did you feel that you were ‘on track’ for an exam or a sporting event but were devastated on the D-day? The new skill you ‘thought’ you were learning, come the job interview and boom. Vanished in seconds. You never learnt what was actually required. These are clear indications of discrepancy in what happened and what you thought would happen. And we are experts at filling this grey area of discrepancy with reasons. That is exactly the act of lying to yourself.

Now it may be homeostasis or maybe something else. Maybe the fox convinced (or lied) himself that the grapes were sour to delude himself from feeling the pain that could devastate himself so much that he couldn’t possibly even look at the grapefruit again in his life?

Anyways the point stays, we lie to ourselves and it hurts us in the long run. It is easy (relatively) for a third person to spot whether another person is lying or not but how do you conclude whether you are lying to yourself or not? And if yes, then how much? And how can you counter it?

The cure

Let’s begin with the resolutions that you made at the start of the year. Honestly, these are the things you truly want in your life. A fitness standard, a healthy diet, a new job, a new venture and so on that you had on your list. Once you know what you want, it gets easier.

This is the best practice technique I can share to deal with your lies. You have to literally document ‘what you think you should do’, ‘what you actually do’ and ‘what changes do you observe’. (I already have an article here, dedicated to explaining the importance of documentation.) Now the first two are a tad easy but the latter is the most difficult to judge.

 Those searching for evidence of financial growth within 21 days of starting a plan would be disappointed but the one who has started physical training surely can observe the changes. Then how can we determine the ideal time to observe changes? Hmm by research!

We are not talking about rocket science or quantum physics here. The internet can be your best friend. Your answers are a few clicks away. ‘How much time does it take on average for a proficiency to build up?’

Now hold your horses before reaching the conclusion that you’d require the same amount of time also. This is just a reference, to begin with. 12 months is the average for a baby to start walking. That doesn’t mean your baby can’t walk in the 9th month or it would be a sin if it walks in the 15th month.

While preparing for an exam, you need to test yourself at short intervals, to know where you stand. Those little concepts you ignored or convinced yourself that you understood, maybe for an exam or an interview or a presentation are exactly the place to begin the counter.

Deep inside you know it. That one skill that can double your income, that 2-hour routine in the morning that can transform the rest of your life. The nutritious food that could make a difference, the decision to read a book per week or a month, the partying limit that could save you from a terrible hangover and save your energy for some productive work today. And also, the lies you are going to buy for not doing it.

When you write down, you can literally ‘see’ your lies. And that’s the external push you need to understand whether you are on track, or need to up the ante or make a course correction.

Just imagine, even if you make 3 of your resolutions come true, how much could that change your life?!