This week was that time of the year when I was reviewing my goals set for the year last July. Just like many, some of the goals I achieved, some I am on target and some I didn’t. Overall satisfied with my trajectory, I decided to pen down my observations and the lessons I learnt over the past 1 year.
No this is not about what my goals were and which of them I achieved, this is more about my reflections on the most important realizations I had over this time.
Today I won’t ask you to dive in, rather invite you to explore and connect to these realizations.
About complaining things to be fair:
I am sure over the past year or even this month, you’d have blurted out the phrase, “But that’s not fair!”. And believe me, if not pioneer, I was one of the forefront leaders to make a point about fairness.
It could be about group work or being graded poorly despite putting in real effort only to realize the cheats made it through to great grades. It would be sometimes about ‘fairness’ in the initiatives taken in a partnership or the efforts taken to communicate in a relationship. Always hell-bent on making a 50-50 case, times often proved me wrong, wanting me to lay writhing like a snake on the floor!
It was then I stumbled upon Pareto’s 80-20 Principle. I would be writing a separate blog dedicated to this principle alone. But to put it up in a sentence, 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes.’ Once I put this lens on my eyes, I started noticing all the patterns around me.
If some group work was done, 20% did the 80% job and vice versa. The communications, the initiatives and even in professional organisations. Even the money I spent on and the groceries I bought each month! Once I saw the picture clearly, the complaining groan inside me vanished and it only felt more plausible to me to accept the responsibility for the 80% of the act and be amongst the 20% of the lot!
It feels to be more in control than it felt while complaining about the unfairness!
About personal limitations:
I believe at some point; we have all felt it. ‘’Geez this guy is a genius!”. The ones that seem to master a skill in few months or the ones who can do it overnight! It appeals naturally to us; “If he can, I can…” Now I am a big believer in this spirit as it opens up possibilities and challenges for a person. But to believe that you would be doing it also in just the same manner or time and assuming to possess the same skills without any efforts is a part of the ship called ‘Ignorance.’
Being a part of the crew, (and maybe still in some parts of life) I kept pretending that I don’t lack any skills. Just as it came to someone, it should come to me! The main problem with this approach was, there was no scope of initiating a spark or making progress until the D-day delivered the results in the face.
The frustration that followed was more due to not knowing the cause of the difference of the results rather than the results themselves. But when I realized that it’s this very assumption of ‘giftedness’ that was being the roadblock for my vision to even begin making any progress, I found the simplest way.
I doubled down on the time spent on the task, asking myself questions like: What do I know? Is my CV really up to the mark? Are only the certifications enough? Would I be happy entering the relationship with me, the way I am? Am I ready for the opportunity that I am craving, with both of my hands? The list goes on.
But you get the point. It provides you with the vision so that you can know where and how much to improve!
About observing the differences in walk and talk:
We all like those who do what they say. Well, who doesn’t? Like that helped us in evolution and continues to do so. It is the ultimate mark of consistency and reliability. The only anomaly we’d appreciate the mismatch is maybe when the actions are even better than the words.
But what do you notice in your daily experiences? In almost all of the contacts we have, there appears to be some discrepancy in their actions and the talks they do. Sometimes a person is consistent with one aspect of their lives and isn’t in the other. Well, many are in many aspects. But then I made a discovery.
I observed some differences in my actions and my talks! Although I was quite consistent in some areas, I wasn’t in others. In some cases, I did not bother matching the two and in some cases, I struggled even though I wished to do so. This made me empathise with those who couldn’t make it happen due to some real problems beyond just lack of intention or action.
But the fact didn’t change. Consistency matters, consistency is trustworthy. The big lesson I learned here is to reframe my question, my search. I stopped looking for ‘whether a person is consistent or not’ but rather started looking for ‘how much consistent’ over time. It’s inhuman to expect people to be consistent throughout, but I am happy to look at their average and their trajectory.
And no surprise who finds a place in my heart! There is an aura surrounding the people with high levels of consistency, that demands respect.
About explaining myself and holding my line:
Be it about speaking a newly learnt language, or be it about dealing with an unforeseen situation; I generally expected of being understood at some point. This made me feel the need to explain my limitations or situations.
Along with this, I tended to mend my ways or be agreeable so much that I was often seen as ‘too much available’. If you have been in such a situation, you already know how embarrassing it could be!
Now, this may seem in exact contradiction to the first point. But the difference here is not about abandoning the good work or complaining about the disproportionate responsibility or opportunity; rather it is about doing the right thing and holding your line.
What do I mean by that? When you have expressed what you wanted to express, tried what you wanted to do and asked what you wanted to ask; there’s not much left for you to do. And if you still linger around, even with the best intentions; you are only hurting your self-respect and are bound to be seen as ‘always available.’
It takes some effort to get over this one. But taking a stand for yourself holding your shoulders upright is not just giving justice to you but also for the ones around you!
So, these were some of my learnings over the last twelve months. Feel free to share your opinions or add yours to the list.
Nice one!