Growth Essentials: Extinguishing Resentment

Resentment typically begins in the light of ‘fairness’ and slowly ferments into a form that leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. Many times, the line between ‘justice’ and ‘resentment’ fades out because of the individual narrative of the scenario. Often the suffering gets to an extraordinary level where a person justifies their actions born in resentment.

But hey, this all seems happening far away, doesn’t it? Resentment has not much to do with our daily lives. Or does it? After all, you are convinced that you are not a person bad at heart or even capable of hurting someone. Or are you? Let’s dive in cogently!

Imagine you are walking with 4 of your friends on a street. You are chatting along and not even the one walking on the outer side of the road. Unfortunately, a biker loses control and goes on to hit you, breaking your ribs. None of your friends is injured. You are rushed to the hospital and get the appropriate medication. You think of it as an unfortunate incident, so does everyone and that’s the end of it.

But 2 weeks later, the same incident repeats. You think, “Well quite a bad month I am having…” but eventually let go of it. It happens thrice and then the fourth time. By now you can see that your misfortune is way too repetitive to be an action based solely on chance or luck. You start asking questions, to your friends and even more to yourself. “What are you guys doing correct, that I am not? Why am I being targeted? Can I at least know why it is happening to me?”

The trouble with the quest for these answers is that your friends, close ones and even passers-by can tell you that they feel sorry for you but cannot find the answers either. The next time you are on street, you have many questions but no answers.

And the worst part? There is an uncanny feeling hovering over your mind, “It’s me that has to face it and not others. Only I have to suffer and I don’t know why. None of them has this problem but just me…”

And voila! You’ve discovered the underworld.

This is still an example, where only the factor of chance seemed to play a role. There are situations when the fabric appears completely twisted.

You apply for a job for which you are confident of doing it efficiently. But you soon get the news of someone else getting it for reasons irrelevant to the actual job or skills. Or maybe you study for a test with everything on the line but somehow someone plays a cheap trick and makes it through with flying colours leaving you red-faced!

Let’s take it even further. You are a caring person with integrity, and loyalty is one of your virtues. But somehow you always find yourself rejected or unaccounted for. On the other hand, you know of a person cheating around jumping from a relationship to another.

By now, you already have an idea or unfortunately, you’ve been in of these situations at some phase in your life. However, till this point, it’s only the cue for what is to follow.

The torturing questions bring you to a point where the conversation within your mind typically follows: “If it doesn’t matter what I do, why should I even bother living to my principles? Maybe I can just present a well-coated lie like ‘them’, cheat around, indulge in fraudulent practices and nothing matters! Or were my principles just a bunch of lies?”

This is resentment knocking at your doors, loudly! And hey, surely it is very tempting to open the door than to not.

When this line of reasoning starts making sense, then it means you’ve opened the doors and the guest of resentment has walked in. You don’t notice any changes immediately. But the next time when you are in a position of power deciding it for others; there is a voice within you that says, “I had it rough, so should these ‘punks’ have it!” You say it when interviewing, you do it when the other person is vulnerable. Or when your skills are better than that of the other one, you’d rather want to let them learn ‘the hard way’ than help them.

Slowly the pleasure in pain starts becoming a part of your character. Have met a person with such attributes? Yes, that’s resentment taken over that person. But hey, you know what, they are not that different from you than you think.

Confused? Let’s see. Firstly, what’s the antidote to resentment? What do you do to a kid if he complains that all other kids received candy and he didn’t get one? Well, easy problem to solve. You give him candy and everything looks settled.

But what happens if the last candy is gone and all stores are closed for the day?

You can try to reason saying, “Today you may not get candy but tomorrow you might. There’s no guarantee but hey, you remember when you got it the last time? That time many other kids that you don’t know didn’t get any candies. And unfortunately, that was not their first time either…”

The solution isn’t the most assuring, but at least you’ve made an effort to eliminate the options of “Snatch yourself one from others!” or “Cry and that will get you one” or “Don’t let the others have it either…”

Long story short; the antidote is gratitude.

Every time resentment is knocking loudly on your doors, there is something hidden silently within a locker inside your cupboard. This is the charm of gratitude. It makes no sound and never knocks.

You have to make an effort to reach out to it. And that’s why it is so difficult for people to choose gratitude over resentment. Because hey, opening the locker requires the key, patience and will; way greater than just opening the door!

So, if you were hit the 4th time on the street, there was someone out there who couldn’t see the next day he was hit first and the only time. If you were rejected for the 5th time, then there was someone out there betrayed for years and devasted when reality hit them. And if your honesty and benevolence were never taken into account, there was someone out there who died fighting for the very principles and never received any recognition for it.

Not once in any of these scenarios, being resentful promises you a brighter, developed, meaningful future. And though gratitude can’t promise you of change in turn of events, it certainly saves you from falling prey to resentment! That’s a massive positive.

And honestly, it is easier said than done. Sometimes life gets so hard that even the process of thinking seems like 1000 thorns to step on and being patient feels like putting your finger in a boiling pot of oil for an hour.

Practising gratitude is a hard skill to master. But hey, as long as you are breathing, you have the choice! Times change and so do you, but knowing that you always have the choice makes you a little assured of being in control.

If nothing, just practising the act of gratitude from your end can present the world with at least one point of hope to look forward to and get inspired from!